Co-Parenting with a Difficult Ex: 8 Practical Tips to Reduce Conflict and Protect Your Kids

From personal experience I would say with absolute certainty that co-parenting after divorce is one of the toughest emotional challenges a parent has to face. When your ex seems determined to make life difficult through conflict, control or constant criticism, it can make your day-to-day life emotionally draining and totally exhausting.

So here’s the empowering reality… you can’t control your ex’s behaviour, only your own.

Read that sentence again!

However unreasonable or unpleasant he or she is, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

What you can do however, is focus on calm communication, solid boundaries and the emotional wellbeing of your children and in doing so, you can create peace even in a high-conflict co-parenting situation.

Here are some of my top tips for handling the situation and maintaining your sanity!

1. Dig deep to remain calm and put emotions aside

When your ex tries to provoke a reaction, stay grounded. Responding emotionally fuels yet more conflict. Before replying to a message, take a pause. Step away, breathe deeply, or write a draft and review it later. Imagine you’re communicating with someone professional that you’ve never met before and keep your tone factual and neutral.

💡 Coach Tip: Use the BIFF method: Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm. This will help you engage in clear, conflict-free communication.

2. Create a predictable framework

High-conflict co-parenting thrives on chaos. So what’s the antidote? Structure.

Set up clear routines, shared calendars and written agreements to reduce “he said, she said” situations and leave nothing to chance. This helps minimise any ‘misunderstandings’ that can trigger conflict.

📅 Recommended co-parenting tools:

• OurFamilyWizard

• Cozi Family Organizer

• Google Calendar

  
  

Always communicate all parenting changes and discussions in writing. It protects everyone, removes ambiguity and creates accountability.

3. Communicate only what’s necessary

It’s ok to not respond - not every message needs a reply. Keep conversations focussed on the children and avoid emotional or personal topics. Ask yourself: “Does this help our children, or is this about me or my ex?”

If it’s not child-related, it doesn’t belong in the conversation so just park it. This approach keeps communication clear and purposeful and removes the opportunity for personal criticism and unwanted input and opinions.

4. Set and keep boundaries

It’s a common misconception that boundaries are about control but they’re not, they’re about protection. If your ex calls at all hours, criticises you in front of the kids, or pushes for personal conversations, state your limits calmly and stick to them.

Just because he chooses to message you in the middle of the night does not mean you have to deal with his message at that time. Be clear and consistent in how you communicate and if necessary, advise that you’ll only communicate via email or message during certain hours.

It may seem petty but consistency matters more than confrontation. And remember, boundaries will only work if you stick to them every time.

5. Focus on what you can control

It’s a hard lesson to learn, particularly where children are involved, but you can’t manage your ex’s behaviour. You can only manage how you behave and how you react which in turn will protect your emotional energy.

Create a safe, predictable environment for your children so they feel able to speak up. Listen without judging their feelings about the other parent. Show them that your home is a place of calm, not conflict.

Kids don’t need perfect parents - they need parents they can rely on.

6. Use neutral drop-offs and pick-ups

Every divorced parent I’ve ever spoken with talks about the trauma of handing over their children to a difficult ex. If transitions for your family are tense, try to use neutral exchange points such as school or a public place. This limits direct contact and helps children feel more comfortable.

Even small changes in logistics can result in significantly reduced stress levels for everyone involved. While you're children are young, you're going to be stuck with doing regular handovers so it's in everyone's interest to find a system that works.

7. Invest in your own support

You don’t have to do this alone. A divorce coach, therapist, or supportive friend can help you stay centered and focussed on what matters most - your wellbeing and your children’s stability.

Seeking support isn’t weakness; it’s a powerful and necessary strategy. The calmer you are, the less power your ex’s behaviour holds over you and the more settled your children will feel.

8. Keep the long game in mind

When you’re in the middle of co-parenting battles, it’s easy to lose perspective. It’s also hard to imagine that life will ever get better. But remember, your kids are watching how you handle hard things and the sooner you can take control of what’s in your power, the sooner you can all get on with living your new life. 

Your children will remember your calm, your consistency and your kindness far more than your ex’s chaos and they will learn who they can depend on when times are tough. By modelling emotional maturity, you’re teaching them invaluable life skills: resilience, empathy and self-control.

Final thoughts on co-parenting with a difficult ex

You can’t always co-parent with a difficult ex - but you can parallel parent effectively. That means minimising unnecessary contact between the adults, communicating in writing and focussing on your own time with your children.

Protect your peace. Protect your kids. And remember: every small step towards calm is a step towards a happier and emotionally healthier life for you all.